On Thursday, 12 November 2020, I decided to take a pregnancy test when I woke up. I was already five days late and just had a feeling. To my delight the test was positive. The minute the second line appeared I ran to Gersh in excitement with the pee stick in hand. He was thrilled, but I decided that it would be best if I take a second test. This one was positive instantly! However, I just had to be sure, so I visited my GP after school and he confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. Based on my last missed period I was 6 weeks and 3 days.
We were planning to keep this one a secret until 12 weeks 4 days, as that would be Christmas. We thought that would be a perfect way to tell our families. However, something was telling us to tell them that very day. I told my parents, then sister, then we told Gersh's parents and sister. Everyone was overjoyed. I also told some of my colleagues and they were all so excited for us. My gorgeous colleague who is in her final trimester was so elated, as she had someone who was joining her. We joked and said that people should stay away from our corridor if they want to avoid pregnancy. It was just such a happy time!
A week later we moved into our new home and everyone was so excited about our new beginning. We were too. As the week went on, our house came together so well. And by the end of the week it felt more and more like us. But something was just off. Not with the house, but with me...
As the weeks went on, I still didn't feel very pregnant. I had absolutely no nausea, morning sickness nor aversions, all of the things I experienced with Shelby. I just had crazy bloating, and looked pregnant almost instantly. Then my bra wouldn't fit anymore and my breasts finally became super sensitive to touch 2 weeks after I'd had my positive tests. I was feeling hopeful, because for the previous 2 weeks I kept telling my mom and mom-in-law that I just don't feel pregnant. I was so worried because of my lack of symptoms. I just shrugged it off for the most part, thinking I'd struck it lucky this time around.
The morning of 25 November rolled around, it was also our third wedding anniversary. I got up in the morning to use the toilet and as I wiped my worst nightmare seemed to be unfolding. There was blood on the toilet paper. I shouted for Gersh and he came running to me. I was sitting there in tears. He simply said, "it's going to be okay" in his normal gentle way as he rubbed my back. He told me that I shouldn't stress, but just get hold of my gynae. He left the decision up to me about going to work. So, I got ready, left for work and immediately told my colleague, should anything go wrong. I also went up to tell my principal. And they demanded that I go home. At this point I had already booked an emergency gynae appointment.
I left work and arrived home, put my feet up and relaxed. I went to my appointment early that afternoon and Gersh was allowed in unlike during earlier lockdown levels. I was relieved. Dr Woldu saw us and explained what we might see on the ultrasound. But when he started the scan, things seemed amiss. He looked concerned, but he was hopeful and positive. The pregnancy was a lot smaller than expected. So he sent me off for blood tests, which were then repeated 2 days later. I received a call to say my hormone levels were increasing, however they had not doubled. But he would see me in 2 weeks.
I went home, hopeful. My baby was just a little smaller than expected. Maybe I miscalculated my due date. It had to be my irregular period. However, I couldn't help but think that maybe my little speckle had stopped growing and I was actually losing him (I'm convinced it was a boy). I was given progesterone tablets to take at night. I was praying this would help baba stick. But on Tuesday, 1 December I noticed more bleeding. It wasn't fresh, but it was there. For days after that it continued, and on Saturday, 5 December I had my first fresh bleed. I was stressed, but my mom instructed me to rest. I was visiting her for the afternoon and I had the best nap. The type of nap you can only have at your parent's home. That comforting, cozy nap, where they all just allow you to sleep. It was the best and now I know why it happened like that.
Sunday was uneventful, but I decided to email my principal to alert him and inform him that I would leave school early on Monday to visit my GP. I was convinced it was a bladder infection. On Monday, my principal told me to leave whenever I felt ready. I left and visited my GP where a urine test confirmed the bladder infection. Again, I was hopeful.
I drove home with a smile on my face, but in my heart I just knew, because my GP was taken aback that I wasn't as far as he initially thought. I could tell that he also realized that something was off. And I especially knew he was worried when he told me to monitor the bleeding and go in to see my gynae if anything was amiss.
Well, that afternoon I was in and out of the bathroom, the bleeding was increasing and by 15:42 I was passing clots and heading to the ER. By now I had called my gynae and I was asked to go through the emergency room. That wait outside the emergency room felt like an eternity, but the nurse who assisted me was incredible. She was so empathetic, kind and filled with the Spirit. She offered me words of comfort and blessing. And was happy for me to go straight up to my gynae when he called me while I was waiting.
I walked up to his rooms, messaging Gersh as I walked. He met me there and our consultation with my gynae began. He offered us words of comfort, love and he assured us that all would be okay, no matter the outcome. He brought so much peace to what was about to happen.
When he performed the scan we saw that our baba was already no longer with us. He should've been a lot bigger, and he should have had a heartbeat, but there was nothing. My placenta was already detached and moving, and my cervix was open - this explains the insane cramps I was putting off as being related to the bladder infection. As my doctor performed the scan I started contracting, I did not feel this but we all saw how baba was busy travelling further down my uterus. After all of this, I had a few options - let it happen naturally (which would probably take several days), take medication at home to help bring baba down or being admitted and a procedure would be performed. The last option was out of the question due to Covid, there was no way I was staying alone in hospital and going through this terrible loss all alone. And I was not prepared to wait several days either. So I chose the medication route.
Dr Woldu explained that I could take it that evening and not have much sleep or on Tuesday morning. I chose Tuesday morning, once Shelby had left for school. However, I started miscarrying naturally at 1AM. I was in the bathroom every couple of hours. I woke up at 5:30, because I couldn't anymore. I got up and put on some Netflix. Once Shelby left for school at 8:20 I had breakfast, took my first two tablets and within two hours I was having terrible pains similar to contractions. When I went to the toilet I passed two large clots, and I was bleeding heavily and I was so sore. It was crazy. I took a painkiller. After lunch I had my second dose, and I think this is the one that brought baba down. I just stood there, staring at the toilet, not wanting to flush. I felt numb. The pain was insane. Both physically and emotionally. Later that evening, after supper I had my third dose. This dose gave me terrible nausea and the worst stomach cramps. I couldn't even sleep. I took another painkiller and drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning.
Through all of this Gersh was constantly at my side, offering me comfort, holding me, rubbing my arms and back and just taking my mind off what was happening. He has been so incredibly strong, because truth be told I was and am still a mess.
I thought Wednesday would be better, since the worst was over, but I woke up feeling incredibly empty. I was lying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket when Gersh left to drop Shelby at school and when he returned I was still there. He spoke to me briefly and then needed to have his first meeting of the day. After his meeting, he sat at my feet and asked me how I was doing. I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I didn't stop for most of the morning. This pain is like no other I have ever experienced before. I know this wasn't our fault, but those thoughts just rushed into my mind and all the 'what if's' were racing through my head. We went for a long walk that afternoon and this really helped clear my head.
As the days have progressed I have been in constant contact with my amazing colleagues, family and friends. They have been such an amazing support system and have shown me so much love. The flowers, treats, blessings, pamper products and genuine compassion have made me realise how truly blessed I am. Yes, some days are going to be easier, but I am prepared for the difficult days too.
So, to all those asking about a second baby, just know that our second baby was not intended for this world, but to be an angel baby who is safe in the palm of Jesus' hand. I only held him inside my womb for a short while, but he will always be in my heart and watching over me, his daddy and big sister.
